With the all the buzz surrounding the upcoming Indiana Jones movie (yes, I will be looking for it in the local dvd market as soon as it is released in the states) I feel compelled to link to this amazing McSweeney’s piece of fiction:
BACK FROM YET ANOTHER GLOBETROTTING ADVENTURE, INDIANA JONES CHECKS HIS MAIL AND DISCOVERS THAT HIS BID FOR TENURE HAS BEEN DENIED.
“The committee was particularly generous (and vociferous) in offering their opinions regarding this criterion. Permit me to list just a few of the more troubling accounts I was privy to during the committee’s meeting. Far more times than I would care to mention, the name “Indiana Jones” (the adopted title Dr. Jones insists on being called) has appeared in governmental reports linking him to the Nazi Party, black-market antiquities dealers, underground cults, human sacrifice, Indian child slave labor, and the Chinese mafia. There are a plethora of international criminal charges against Dr. Jones, which include but are not limited to: bringing unregistered weapons into and out of the country; property damage; desecration of national and historical landmarks; impersonating officials; arson; grand theft (automobiles, motorcycles, aircraft, and watercraft in just a one week span last year); excavating without a permit; countless antiquities violations; public endangerment; voluntary and involuntary manslaughter; and, allegedly, murder.”
By the beard of Ptah! It’s clear that they were just LOOKING for an excuse to deny tenure. Now see….if only he’d published a monograph on the difference between Archaelogy and Looting (we told him, you and I, that he really ought) he’d have had that tenure years ago. Well….of course, they WILL frown on “murder”….